Fading...

Entering a house which is no longer lived in is a strange experience. It seems dead. But why? The furniture is still in its place, nothing much has changed. However, there are no flowers, no living pot plants in the windows. The kitchen seems far too tidy. No newspapers or magazines  litter the table and chairs; no pens and notebooks, no mail, postcards or family pictures. The electronic organ has disappeared, which has robbed the room of its soul. There is still soap in the bathroom and there are even pictures on the walls, but no welcoming smells of coffee, of a fried breakfast. No soaked prunes in the little glass jar near the sink. The heating is off, it is strangely cool in spite of the warm spring weather. We bring our own sandwiches, our own coffee. We go through our parents' possessions, finding things we did not expect nor want, missing things we need to have but can't find. Clothes are piled up on the bed, ready to be packed and sent off to Rumenia. There are plastic bags for things we will throw away as they have no value for anybody at all. There are the things each of us is interested in: the silver trinkets which we love but don't want to polish, the beautiful china which can't be put in the dishwasher but has to be cleaned manually. The china ornaments and fascinating Chinese vases or pots, richly decorated in gold and blue. Nobody welcomes us, nobody tells us he is glad to see us. It seems cruel to throw out things which the parents liked and valued, as if by doing so we say that what they liked was not worth liking. It seems like a judgement. We see our mother's hand lovingly cherishing some china sculpture, admiring it. We see her filling the room with fresh flowers, arranging them so that their colours brighten the room. She opens net curtains, lets in the sun, the light. She rearranges pillows, tidies the windowsills, looks at all the ornaments she likes. Gradually that image fades while we break down the world she so carefully built for my father and herself. We are on our own now, and will grow further apart since our parents no longer unite us, no longer are a pivotal point.